War of the Coprophages
by MademoiselleSpooky
Summary: Inside the minds of our two agents during this episode.  They miss each other, but are they ready to admit it to themselves and to each other?
1. Chapter 1

Scully sat on the couch staring at the TV. This was a rare Saturday night alone, Mulder was out of town, and she had nowhere to be and nothing particular to do. So why wasn't she enjoying it? Why was she thinking about what Mulder was doing? When the phone rang, she jumped on it, and then was momentarily embarrassed. What was she, twelve? Waiting for a boy to call? "Hello?"

Hey Scully it's me." Why was she relieved to hear his voice?

"Mulder what are you doing?" she couldn't help being curious when he said he had some non-FBI observations to do. She had briefly wondered if he was meeting a woman, then scolded herself for the feeling of jealousy that flooded her.

"Just watching the lights, Scully. Reports of strange lights in the sky the past few nights, and I thought I'd take a look."

Scully was again embarrassed because she felt relieved. She told herself that if Mulder was meeting a woman, it was his own business, it wasn't like she had to monitor his every move. "UFOs again, Mulder?" she asked.

"I'm not sure, Scully." He paused as if he were going to say something else, then quickly said "I gotta go." Before she could respond she heard a beep as his cell phone cut off. She sighed.

Queequeg jumped up on the couch and laid down next to her with a yuff. She buried her hand in his silky fur and grimaced. "You need a bath, buster." she told him, and he whined. "Okay, you have an hour to be dirty. Then it's bathtime. It's flea season, we're not taking any chances."

Why was she so concerned with Mulder's whereabouts? Why did it matter so much to her? Was she so used to him dragging her around the world that she had forgotten how to be alone? She laughed a little to herself. She wasn't fooling anyone. It wasn't the constant off-hours UFO chasing, it wasn't that she didn't know how to relax. She was having a harder and harder time lying to herself lately. The truth was, she had come to truly enjoy his company.

Mulder was admittedly different from the men she was used to dating. Not that she had been doing much dating lately. The last date she went on, Mulder called and, well, she would rather die than admit to him that she was relieved by his interruption. Sighing, she got up off the couch, seeking some ice cream she knew was in the back of her freezer.

When Mulder called again in less than an hour, she was embarrassed to admit that she was really hoping he'd say she should come out, that he needed her input on this investigation. Was she nuts? She finally had an evening alone and she was wishing she was out chasing lights in the sky! Queequeg yuffed to go outside and she absently set down the empty ice cream carton and opened the door. While he was doing his business, she dug out a bottle of flea shampoo and a few old towels.

"What are you doing tonight Agent Scully, would you like to go get a drink?" She asked herself sarcastically, then responded "Oh no, I'm sorry, I have to give my DOG a bath." She laughed bitterly at her own little joke. Again, not like they were beating down the door to take her out.

She remembered a coffee date with a female coworker that she had enjoyed a few months ago. Elena was dating someone in the bureau and wanted no one to find out, but she couldn't resist telling somebody. "Dana I figured you of all people would understand." Elena said, testing her latte to see if it was cool enough to drink.

"Me? Why?" Scully had asked.

"Well, because of the longstanding relationship you have with Fox of course." Elena looked at her like she had sprouted a second head. "It's going on what, 4 years now?"

"Three and change." Scully replied. "But we aren't dating!" she said quickly.

"Bullshit!" Elena replied, laughing. "Come on Dana, I want some details. I just shared my story with you now you can spill to me!" Blushing, Scully set down her coffee cup.

"Elena, for real, we aren't dating." Taking a deep breath, she sighed "I kind of wish..." she trailed off. She had been about to say "I kind of wish we were." Then she stopped. Is that what she wished? She wasn't even sure herself anymore.

"Dana, hon, if you guys aren't dating, you should know that everyone in the office thinks you are. And that you guys have just been doing a great job of hiding it from the higher ups."

"If we're doing so good at hiding, how is it that everyone thinks we've got something going on?" Scully asked, her old logical self.

"Think about it, how well can you hide a 3 year relationship like that? Come on! You guys have great professional detachment in public, but for heaven's sake girl. You have to see how he looks at you, how he protects you. When that guy kidnapped you...we all thought he was going to worry himself to death. It just killed him to have you out there, without knowing that you were okay."

Scully swallowed hard. She had never thought about it like that. She started to feel a little tingly, like butterflies in her stomach. She hadn't felt that in years. The coffee date had ended with Elena still in disbelief at Scully's denial, and with Scully in a fog, trying to figure out how she felt about this new information.

Queequeg scratched at the door and squeaked, jarring her back to reality. "Coming Queequeg!" she called, and hurried to the door to let him in. "Gotcha". She caught him as he tried to bolt in the door, suspecting what she had in store for him. "Oh no my friend, you're not getting away that easily." She carried him in the kitchen and dumped him in the sink. "Sorry bud." she smiled at the pitiful expression he gave her. "This is just the way it has to be."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

In his hotel room, Mulder tried to concentrate on the files he had spread out on the bed, but killer cockroaches were just not holding his interest tonight. He grabbed for the remote and reached for the drink he had on his nightstand. It was going to take a few more drinks to admit to himself that he was missing Scully.

In the past three years, he had become so accustomed to her working with him on cases that he felt as though a part of himself were missing. They worked so well together—he kept her mind open and she kept him grounded. He thought about what it would be like if he hadn't joined the Bureau, if she hadn't been assigned to him. He'd probably be like Max Fenig, rambling around the country in a beat up trailer, chasing lights in the sky.

He was used to having her in the next room. He would never confess to anyone that having her there made him feel safe and secure. She was a constant in a life that had no constants. Everywhere he turned, there was a new thing that he had held true and sacred being destroyed. His parents had lied to him. The government had lied to him. When he thought his sister had returned-she was not what she seemed to be. The only person he could trust to always be real, to always operate honestly with him, was Scully.

Someone had once told him that the best way to mess up a friendship was to try to turn it sexual. It was this reasoning that had kept him from putting the moves on her for the past 3 years. That and the deep down certainty that she would reject him. What would an amazing woman like her see in a dork like him? But he would be lying if he said that he didn't want her badly.

A while back he had been out for a post-work beer with another guy from the office. He didn't have many friends in the Bureau, but there were a few he could relate to over baseball and beer. This guy's name was Alvin.

"So Mulder, you bagged that beautiful lady doctor yet?" Alvin had opened after they had routinely clinked glasses. Mulder was taken aback.

"Is that what everyone thinks?" he asked. "That we have something going on?"

Alvin looked embarrassed. "Well, it's just that, well...it's obvious SOMETHING is going on with you two."

Mulder laughed but he was a little annoyed. "There's nothing going on between us." He'd never confess that he wished there was. But he was pretty sure he was not the only one in the Bureau that felt that way. Scully was a beautiful woman, with ivory skin and sparkling blue eyes, hair like fire...he took a drink and shook those thoughts from his head.

"Man, there are some people in the office that swear you two have been secretly married for years now." Alvin said. "All the travelling—are you going to tell me you've never shared a hotel room?"

It was Mulder's turn to look embarrassed. "Well, we have a couple of times. But only when the hotel was full." that sounded hollow and he knew it. He didn't know how it was possible to sound like you're lying when you're telling the truth, but it sounded fake to him too.

The men drank in silence for a few minutes, and then Mulder casually asked "So, do people think that she likes me?"

A grin spread over Alvin's face "AHA! I knew you could not be immune to her charms!"

"No no, I..." Mulder closed his mouth and hid behind his beer glass.

"Dude, are you blind? She was hired to debunk you, right? Supposed to be a quick assignment. No matter how they try to split you guys up, 3 years later you are still partners, still running all over the country together, and she follows you everywhere, no matter what you do or how fucking ridiculous it sounds!" Alvin was clearly agitated by Mulder's denseness.

His cell phone ringing brought Mulder back to the present, back to the run down hotel room, the snowy TV picture, and the half-empty bottle of Dewar's next to him. "Hello?" he answered, after fumbling the phone several times. There was no one there. He looked at the caller ID. It was Scully's home number. A smile spread across his face. She had called him and hung up. Maybe she was lonely tonight too. Then he immediately became worried she had called for help, and he hit the button to redial her.

Scully felt like she was in junior high. She had dialed Mulder and hung up. Ridiculous. Juvenile. And, as the phone rang 5 minutes later, she realized that drunk dialing had changed a lot since she was in junior high. Now there was caller ID. Relieved he could not see how red her face was, she picked up the phone. "Hello?" she said, trying to sound perky and unsuspecting.

"Scully you just called my phone and I missed the call." he paused for a long time. Was he letting her know he knew it wasn't a missed call but a hangup? "I wanted to make sure you were okay."

Scully felt a rush of cozy emotion curl around her. She would never tell a soul, but after her friend Elena had told her that Mulder was so protective of her, she had been noticing the little signs. It melted her heart to think that he cared so much about her that he worried about her when they were apart. "I'm fine Mulder I...I had to let Queequeg in." That sounded like complete bullshit and she knew it. It was. She had called him and quickly hung up before he answered. Because she had been calling him to tell him she was lonely and wanted to hear his voice. Her eyes darted to the empty bottle of wine next to her bed. "So, have you figured out this case yet, or do I have to make excuses for you come Monday?"

It was probably the Dewar's talking, but Mulder had been ready to say something to her, to tell her he missed her and he wished she would come out and join him on this case. He was both frustrated and relieved to have her interrupt. "Scully it's beyond belief. There's cockroaches here, right? Cockroaches are everywhere. But these seem to be made of METAL."

"Metal bugs?" Scully asked in disbelief. "Like, robot bugs?"

"Well the way you say it you make it sound ridiculous." Suddenly he felt a little defensive. That, also, was probably the Dewar's. "I don't think it's beyond the realm of possibility that someone has created a little army that can go anywhere and generally escape detection."

"So they made robot cockroaches?" Scully was reassured that this was the same old Mulder.

"Well. Yeah. But, there's a house here where they are studying cockroaches. Some kind of long term observation. I'm planning to go speak with the lead scientist tomorrow."

"What's his name?" Scully asked.

"Sexist much, Scully? It's a woman. Her name is Bambi." He knew as soon as the word left his lips that he should have stopped before saying her name.

"Bambi." Scully said, the flat tone of her voice revealing every ounce of sarcastic scorn she had in her.

"Well, maybe her parents were...hippies." Mulder had been surprised himself by the scientist's name, but was still interested in the study. He had to admit he was also interested in seeing Bambi the Entomologist himself, but he would never tell Scully that.

"Well Mulder, don't forget your can of Raid."

"Good night Scully." he said, and hung up the phone. He sighed, reaching again for the glass that was now more melted ice than Scotch. "Dumbshit." he muttered to himself, downing the remaining liquid in the glass and laying back on the bed.

Back in Georgetown, Scully hung up the phone too and stared at it. "Nice going." she told herself, setting the phone down on the nightstand. "Bambi's probably more his type anyway." She settled down under the covers and Queequeg jumped up and nestled down by her feet. "Night little buddy." she told him, and turned off the light.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

When Mulder first saw Bambi, he was simultaneously regretful and relieved that Scully was not with him. Whatever he was expecting from an entomologist who had devoted her life to the study of cockroaches, Bambi was not it. Miles of long legs ended in a pair of extremely short shorts. A tight white tank top hugged her ample bosom. And a flannel shirt was tied over it, covering her shoulders and some of her chest but not that much.

"You must be Bambi, I'm Fox Mulder with the FBI." he said quickly, realizing he was staring. Real professional class there, he thought to himself. Ogling her like a hungry dog eyes a steak.

Mulder was oddly thankful for the slight headache that was the legacy of last night's alcoholic indiscretion. It kept him from embarrassing himself too badly. Between work and the extra hours that the X files demanded, he didn't really have time to date much. He had also been the victim of a romantic heart and bad timing-when Scully had been assigned to be his partner almost 4 years ago, he had already been in the midst of a year long dry spell, sexually speaking. And, much as he was loathe to admit it, from the moment she had set foot in his office he knew that no other woman would ever do. If he could not have her, well, then he was going to remain a single man.

But nature ignores romantic hearts and bad timing and lovesick FBI agents. His body never stopped reminding him that it had been almost 5 years since he had been with a woman. And his body was definitely very interested in Bambi the Entomologist. His body was trying to convince him to bend her over the lab table and mount her right there, but the headache dulled that demand enough for him to speak somewhat coherently about cockroaches. He idly wondered if the hotel's TV got the adult channels. He was going to need some...well, yeah.

"I have with me a sample of a roach that was found at the scene of a death." Mulder held up a small jar with the bits he had collected from the crushed insect. "I was hoping you could help me identify it, because to my uneducated eyes, it appears to be metal."

"Metal?" Bambi asked incredulously, stepping closer to take the jar. He was very glad she was absorbed in looking at the roach body, because his eyes fell on her breasts. They were beautiful—full and round and tempting. He coughed to distract both Bambi and himself, and tried mightily to focus on the cockroach in the jar. "Well. Let's put this guy under the microscope and see what we can see." She turned around and he was annoyed with himself that his eyes immediately migrated to her tight little ass in those very tight little shorts. What the hell was his problem? It was like he was 17 again.

Clearing his throat he followed her to the lab, desperately trying to keep his mind on bugs.

Later that evening, he sprawled out on the bed in his motel room and stared at the ceiling, trying to bring some semblance of order to his thoughts. Lights in the sky. Metal cockroaches. Teenagers getting high off of manure. He could feel the connection between these ideas pulling together loosely like a fabric. He was just not quite there in figuring out the real story. Of course, woven through these musings was a red thread of raw sexual desire.

He tried to imagine what Scully was doing back home. Now that he was away from Bambi and her unnervingly beautiful self his mind was back on its usual target; the lovely Dana Scully. She had acted like she was so excited to have an evening to herself, but when she talked about giving her dog a bath, he half wondered if she was hoping for him to invite her along.

What did women do when they were alone at home? Did she wear those sophisticated satin pajamas she wore on the road? Maybe she slobbed out in sweats and an old tshirt. He smiled thinking of her rocking a worn concert tee from her college days. He allowed himself to wonder if maybe she wore something a little sexier, but decided that was just a male fantasy. Those lacy little things couldn't be terribly comfortable.

Of course, his mind lingered a bit on the idea of Scully in lacy little things. What color would she choose? Lacy or satiny? His hand moved to unzip his pants when the phone rang. He seriously considered not answering, but what if it were Scully in trouble? "Hello?" he asked, grabbing up the phone.

"So Mulder, how did your meeting with Bambi go?" He could hear the teasing in her voice. He couldn't really begrudge her that—he had earned a certain percentage of her derision.

"Unsurprisingly, Bambi was not what I was expecting from a person who has devoted her life to the study of cockroaches." Mulder said, carefully choosing his words as an image of Bambi popped into his head.

"I'm guessing she was not the bookish type." Scully would have rather died right there than admitted it, but she was sort of hoping she was wrong.

"Dana Scully, such assumptions you make! You call yourself a feminist." As long as he could keep the focus off himself, he wouldn't be coerced into confessing the thoughts he had about Bambi. He was actually embarrassed, as though Scully had caught him with shameful thoughts in his head. Of course, she had.

"So what did you find about the roaches?" She asked, and Mulder was grateful for the subject change. Very grateful.

"Not as much as I would have hoped, but I definitely go some new information. The problem now is trying to draw together the connection between these occurrences. Bambi...well, she has some very interesting theories on the truth behind UFO sightings." He could have kicked himself for bringing the subject back around to the lovely entomologist.

"Really." Scully said, that derision returning to her voice, but it was covering up something else. Something in her tone sounded...disappointed? Worried? Sad? "And what theory is that?"

"She believes that many sightings are actually insect swarms. Bioluminescent swarms." He was really hoping for Scully's opinion, and so he tried hard not to make his explanation sound biased. On one hand, the theory was fascinating. On the other, he frankly hoped it wasn't true.

"Boy Mulder, that would kind of bring your life's work to a screeching halt, wouldn't it?" Her voice had a tinge of humor, but mostly she sounded empathetic. She had read his thoughts exactly. She had an uncanny knack for doing that.

"So Scully. How was your evening last night?" Change the topic, change the topic. "Did Queequeg have a nice bath?"

"You're making fun of me Fox Mulder." She tried to sound irritated but there was a laugh simmering below the indignation. "Pets require a lot of responsibility."

"Yeah, especially when they are built like a dust mop." Mulder grumbled. He and Queequeg had an uneasy truce between them. He suspected half the issue on his part was, regrettably, envy that Queequeg got to sleep in bed with Scully. Admitting that to himself, however, would be admitting he was jealous of an eight pound dust mop with bad breath, and so it remained a suspicion that he refused to address head on.

"Sarcasm duly noted Mulder. So, are you going to bring back your findings so we can go over them?" Again he was grateful for the subject change. His self image was really taking a beating tonight. He let out a heavy sigh.

"No, I think I'll be staying out here for another day or so." He wasn't sure if it was solving the case that was keeping him out here, or inability to face Scully until he got his personal esteem back in order.

"Should I tell Skinner you're digging through cowshit for robot cockroaches?" her innocent sarcasm made him him want to grab her and playfully shake her until she agreed to kiss him. In other words, he was back to acting like he was 17.

"Yes Scully, I'm sure Skinner can use the laugh. I'll be back Monday evening at the latest."

"Are you sure you don't want me to come out there?" She asked. He wished he could say yes.

"No, I'm gonna wrap this up here Scully." there was a long, awkward pause. For a moment all he could think of to say was that he loved her. He was afraid if he opened his mouth he would. "I'll see you Monday, Scully." he said instead.


End file.
